This week I’ve found myself hiding behind judgment. I judge myself on my acting choices both in the moment and afterward. I judge my fellow actors for not making a choice I would have made. I beat myself up for the rest of the day when I am not able to fully commit to action in a rehearsal.
But I think I can help myself by turning my thinking: judgment is an excuse. It’s a way to place blame and distracts from the work, which is to have action in every moment. Judgment is different from self-criticism because it is not constructive. Where self-criticism can hold us accountable for doing our best work all the time, judgment gives us the chance to spiral down a hole of unforgiving hate for ourselves and our work, which does not foster a creative work environment in our minds.
The subconscious reason why I judge myself must be that it makes me work hard, but out of fear of being bad. What if I work hard out of love for myself? For the character? For the play? For the art? What if I allow myself to (after the curtain falls) celebrate when I was fearless and encourage myself to go farther with when I backed away? The more I learn to love myself and my work, the more I stop analyzing every moment as it happens. This allows me to fully invest in every moment on stage, and makes me a better actor. Love fuels and flowers, where judgment freezes and destroys.
Mantra: I will be proud of my work. I will do work that I can be proud of.